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Brushing Your Teeth
By W. Reed from thefacelesspeople.com
In the year 2020 the dental group teethdent.com will announce to the world that the brushing of teeth can cause irreparable damage to the mouth and should be looked upon as barbaric in the extreme. Spokesman CarlDent.com will be quoted as saying,
“The irresponsibility of past behaviors is only just becoming apparent. We now know that brushing one’s teeth removes the build up of plaque and tartar, substances that naturally belong on teeth and cause healthy or good decay. The human mouth is granted one set of adult teeth, all of which should fall out by the age of fourteen. This leaves a pristine set of gums, suitable for chewing grasses and wild oats. The human body thrives on a diet of grasses and wild oats and these people lairising around keeping their teeth into adulthood, eating meats and all sorts of candy, are quite literally fucked in the head.”
The world will heed Mr Dent’s warning and the sales of toothbrushes and paste will plummet. The company Colgate, in response to the announcement, will move into the manufacturing of obscene marital aids.
Stuck Music
By JdJ from melbournezene.wordpress.com
Record labels will reclaim their stronghold over the everyday music junkie and recoup the millions of dollars they lost to Napster and MySpace in the early 2000’s. CDs, MySpace, downloads, file-sharing and commercial radio will be “oh so yesterday” as record labels introduce Stuck Music.
Stuck Music will be a small, non-invasive device which is designed to be inserted into the frontal lobe of the user. The user then sticks an antenna, complete with suction cap, onto his or her forehead so that record labels can transmit songs to the brain wirelessly.
For a small fee of $250,000, music junkies will have Stuck Music installed into their frontal lobes during a procedure which only takes 30 minutes to complete. Music junkies will then SMS their credit card details to their nominated record labels so they instantly receive the hottest songs on the planet.
Stuck Music will also be a hit with the oldies. Grandparents will be amazed when they receive their very own piece of history in the form of Kickstart My Heart by Mötley Crüe, Enter Sandman by Metallica or, the ever-classic, Stinkfist by Tool.
Stuck Music will gain heavy momentum in Japan and the U.S, while its European counterparts will complain of songs getting stuck in their head. The solution?
“Naturally, songs that get stuck in the head will be unavoidable for the user,” Herbert Stuckmore of Stuck Music confirms. “However, users need to ensure their Stuck Music is wiped on a daily basis to ensure that songs aren’t susceptible to Stuck in the Head Syndrome. All it takes is three quick winks and a cart-wheel across a grassy field.”
Stuck Music will also claim high-profile endorsements from such big names as Eminem and Lars Ulrich of Metallica.
