Space exploration has long been hampered by the risk to astronauts’ lives. NASA will remedy this by offering missions, where the chance of survival is highly unlikely, to prisoners scheduled for execution.
This initiative will bring forward the quest to put a man on Mars by a good 20 years. Kenneth Trey Hafronin, an incurable psychopath, will embark on this historical mission on July 12, 2015.
NASA will not anticipate Hafronin making humanity’s first contact with aliens on this mission. A spaceship from the peace loving planet of Tolmi will dock with Hafronin’s craft, and NASA will watch on helplessly as Hafronin enters their vessel and kills everyone on board.
Word travels fast in space, and Hafronin’s hostile act will be the catalyst for a multi-planetary attack on Earth. By the second day of this attack, our entire planet will be reduced to dust.
Fueled by the success of Barack Obama in becoming the first black President of the United States of America, Chad Kroeger, lead singer of Nickelback, will announce his intention to become the first white President of the People’s Republic of China.
Interviewed backstage at a concert in Toronto, Kroeger will explain that he wants to see the glory days of double digit GDP growth return to China, and believes he can take them there. Asked how he intends to do this Chad will explain, “Broadly speaking, I plan to reduce their dependence on export-driven growth by stimulating the domestic economy.”
Kroeger’s bid to become the first white President will be stopped early in it’s tracks, when he fails to secure a single vote in an election to become leader of a small rural village on the outskirts of the Chinese mainland. At this point he will abandon his presidential plans altogether, but will compose an album of his experience titled “Chinese Democracy”, changed soon after to “Chad Kroeger’s Chinese Democracy” due to legal issues.
Pope Benedict XVI will announce a new initiative to bridge the divide between the Catholic Church and the victims of priest molestation.
“Forgive Us Our Pins” will be an annual tenpin bowling tournament held at the Vatican. The Vics (victims) will go up against the Vats (members of the Vatican), with the winning team taking home bragging rights.
The inaugural tournament won’t be without controversy though, when it is revealed that the Vats top bowler, Cardinal Tolkin, is actually 2008 World Tenpin Masters champion Guy Caminsky. The Pope will deny any prior knowledge of this, with only the most devout believing him.
In order to generate publicity for his return to competitive cycling, Lance Armstrong will challenge the Large Hadron Collider to a race around the 17 mile circuit.
When asked how he intends to beat a proton traveling at 99.9999991% of the speed of light, Armstrong will reply, “In cycling, giving only 99.9999991% is the difference between coming first and second. If you’re not prepared to give your full 100% during the race you may as well stay at home.” No one at the press conference will bother to correct him, figuring he will work it out for himself on race day.
To everyone’s surprise however, the first race will end in a draw. Just as the starting pistol is fired, the particle accelerator will malfunction. Technicians will work feverishly to fix it, as Armstrong will edge ever closer to the finish line. The technicians will finally succeed in a accelerating a single proton, just as Armstrong is within an inch of finishing. The two will cross the line together.
Still not fully grasping the situation, Armstrong will immediately call for a decider. This time the accelerator will work perfectly, and will proceed to not only beat Armstrong but lap him 19,986,164 times.
Finally Armstrong will “get it”, and will quietly exit through a side door.
There will soon be so many crime dramas on television that a shortage will occur of unknown actors to play the many bit parts required for each episode.
The suspension of disbelief required to watch these dramas will be the casualty; viewers will be asked to swallow that an actor who was shot and killed on Law & Order SVU miraculously rose from the dead to appear as a victim’s ex-lover on CSI Miami a few weeks later.
Fearing a viewer revolt, the major television networks will successfully lobby the US Government to enforce a National Draft for Crime Dramas. Every US citizen will be required to play a single bit part when summoned. Failure to report to the studio lot will incur a jail term.
The Draft will prove to a be a great success, and will result in a hotly contested new Emmy category: Best Drafted Citizen in a Crime Drama.
In the future you could have high profile prisoners such as Charles Manson or OJ Simpson living in your home.
For a start up fee of $100,000 your spare room will be converted into a maximum security jail cell. Then, through an online auction, you will bid on which prisoner you would like to live in it.
This initiative will prove to be a tremendous revenue raiser for the Department of Justice, with the social elite entering into bidding wars for the more newsworthy inmates.
The remainder of the prisoners will primarily go to parents, looking to provide a much needed distraction for their children.
Humanity will finally tire of the need to evacuate their bowels, deeming it “gross” and “completely unsexy.”
Scientists will be commissioned to create foods where every part of the food is used by the body when ingested, thus eliminating the need to eliminate. Drinks of the same criteria will be created shortly after.
Without the need for a toilet anymore, people will convert the smallest room in the house into a departure and arrival bay for their particle transfer machines, the most popular form of transport of the time.
Scientists will eventually put two and two together, and will devise a way to “juice” humans of their water.
Graveyards and crematoriums will be a thing of the past, as people will opt to juice their deceased loved ones to provide water for the remainder of their families.
All this sounds gruesome now, but in the future desperate times will call for desperate measures.
The first human clone created from DNA will be that of Abraham Lincoln, brought “back to life” to serve the remaining 3 years, 10 months and 17 days of his presidency.
Upon hearing this news a rogue scientist will create a clone of John Wilkes Booth, in an attempt to prove that history repeats itself in the world of human clones.
The Booth clone will hunt down the wrong man however, confusing the Lincoln clone with a clone of Rob Morrison from The Curiosity Show.
With the cold steel of the Booth clone’s gun pressed to his forehead, the Morrison clone will win the Booth clone over with a balloon, a magnet, a steaming cup of piss and the magic of science.
Video cameras of the future will use your ears as the microphone and your eyes as the lens.
A microscopic device will be wired into the brain that will act as a storage unit and wireless transmitter. Once near a receiving unit, such as a computer or TV, a simple voice command will trigger the download.
Privacy groups will object to the invisibility of this camera, resulting in legislation that requires manufacturers to build in a function that makes the user’s head flash a bright red when recording.
